Here you will find some of our most favorite baseball lines and jokes.

If you have any that you would like to send us,

we will certainly "consider" publishing them to this site.

Send us your baseball related jokes!  Thanks!

10 REASONS TO MARRY A BALL PLAYER

 

1.  They have GREAT hands.

2.  They are used to scoring no matter what base they are on.

3.  They have tremendous endurance.

4.  They always use a glove.

5.  They don't stop until the job is done, and there is always extra innings.

6.  They never strike out.

7.  They like to touch every base carefully.

8.  They don't mind diving face first into the grass.

9.  They take the extra base if they can get it.

10.They slide into home really hard.

(submitted by:  Cheryl Grote/San Antonio, TX)

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and catcalling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.  Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"


He replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

(submitted by:  Jerry Cowan/San Antonio, TX)

"I found that it's not good to talk about my problems.  Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other 20 percent are glad I'm having trouble."

--- Hall of Fame manager Tommy Lasorda (L.A. Dodgers)

The Devil floats up to see St. Pete and says, "Hey, let's have a baseball game... my people
against your people."

"Sure," replies St. Pete, "but I should warn you, I have all the Hall of Famers!"

"Who cares?" says the Devil. "I have all the umpires!"

(submitted by:  Nancy Dietrich/San Antonio, TX)

 

What do you get when you mix Barry Bonds and Betty Crocker?

A better batter

(submitted by:  Joseph & Jacob Luedecke/San Antonio, TX)

  

Why did the little boy take a ladder to the baseball game?

Because he knew the sodas were "on the house".

(submitted by:  Richard Hernandez)

Why did the umpire take toilet paper to the baseball game?

Because the bases were loaded.

Where does a catcher eat dinner?

Behind the plate.

Does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base or 2nd to 3rd base?

From 2nd to 3rd because there is a shortstop in between.

What does a cake and a baseball team have in common?

Both have to have a good batter.

Why did the Boy Scout troop leader invite the baseball player to go camping?

He needed someone to pitch the tent.

Why did the policeman run across the field?

Someone was stealing 2nd base.

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Mets victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night!"

This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to Honus Wagner.  Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights and when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well. One time, he was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the out.  This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a hare.

DID YOU KNOW?  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way!  

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by  a ceiling fan.

"I may be in deep, left field, but at least I am still in the ballpark!"

"Our similarities are different."

Major League player Dale Berra, on comparisons between him and his father, Yogi.